Relationships are not ‘Hard Work’ and this is Terrible Advice

Let’s talk about one of the most repeated and misleading pieces of relationship advice out there:

That “relationships are hard work.”

The reality is: That’s not everyone’s experience. And saying it like it’s some universal fact? It can be harmful and misleading in shaping how others define relationships or what they think they should accept or tolerate. Listen, the only ‘hard’ relationships were the ones that weren’t right for me. The ones that were ‘out of tune,’ disharmonious, and flat-out incompatible. That’s why they were hard work!

So if you’ve been told that struggle is just part of love, I’m here to say: Not every relationship is meant to feel like an uphill battle. That might be the dynamic you’re in, but that doesn’t make it normal or healthy. Too many people tolerate way too much simply because they’ve internalized this idea that “relationships are supposed to be hard.” It is of utmost importance to be clear about exactly what you define as ‘hard work’.

I’ve found that when a relationship is right, when it's aligned, your nervous system feels calm. Things feel peaceful, harmonious… and yes, practically effortless. Now, everyone has different standards. I get that.

But listen, if your definition of “hard work” includes putting up with toxic behavior, such as cheating, abuse, constant drama, disrespect, or feeling emotionally unsafe… That’s not ‘hard work’. That’s dysfunction!

Advice is not one-size-fits-all.

Standards matter. You don’t have to accept someone else’s version of “normal” just because it’s all they’ve ever known. Or because, as the saying goes, misery loves company. They may want you to suffer just like them, because why should you have better than what they settled for?

Or for some, they may be comparing their current dynamic to chaos from their past, so this feels like a win. Their idea of an upgrade may still be toxic. If, for example, the ex used to physically hit them and now the new partner verbally abuses them, they may see that as, “At least he doesn’t hit me, so maybe I’ve got a good thing now.” And if that works for them, fine. But that doesn’t mean you have to settle based on other people’s standards.

And now, let’s address another big truth…

And look, if you are a wreck and neglect your well-being, mental health, or growth, then you expect to find a healthy relationship, like the kind I am talking about. Um, it doesn’t work that way. If you know you have toxic tendencies, intentional or not, be honest with yourself. Do the work before you enter a relationship if you can. Otherwise, yes, relationships can still work while you’re growing and healing, but only if you’re actively doing the work. You don’t have to be perfect. But doing the work is one of the best gifts you can give yourself and your future partner.

According to PsychCentral:

A toxic person is someone who is subtly or outwardly manipulative, self-centered, needy, or controlling. Their behavior is typically unpleasant or malicious toward others.

These behaviors may manifest from underlying feelings of low self-esteem and mental health conditions such asnarcissistic personality disorder (NPD), childhood trauma, or other deeply rooted personal issues.

But just because there may be a reason behind the toxic behavior doesn’t make it less impactful. And if you’re experiencing this from another person, it can be confusing, hurtful, and may even make you feel like you’re at fault.

And, a few signs to look for that indicate a person may be toxic.

So, how do you know if someone’s toxic?

·       You feel drained, anxious, or confused after being around them

·       They disrespect your boundaries

·       You feel guilty for saying “no”

·       You constantly adapt yourself to avoid triggering them

·       You feel like you're walking on eggshells

Now, let’s be fair. Some relationships are hard because of what both people bring to the table.

Mental health, past trauma, and emotional maturity, all of this plays a role. Some people have gone through a considerably higher amount of trauma than some who may have barely had any. If you have done years of therapy and have a healthy and more advanced way of dealing with life’s challenges, while you choose a partner who has done zero inner work, but is also unwilling to, or says they will and never does, you are setting yourself up for a ‘hard relationship’. You’re going to feel that imbalance.

So before getting deep into any partnership, have the real conversations.

How do they feel about mental health? Have they done any inner work? Are they open to growth? But keep in mind, beyond conversation, there are actions. Talk means nothing without actions.

Inner Work Pays Off

A major advantage to addressing mental health before a relationship is that, in the event you have, for example, ADHD, RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria), autism, bipolar disorder, and the list can go on… Therapy helps you get to know yourself on a whole other level, provided you have a good therapist and are intentional about doing the inner work. You’ll communicate more clearly, set healthier boundaries, and choose more aligned relationships from the very start. This can of course still be helpful if you are in a partnership too.

But ignoring those things? That’s not just unfair to you. It’s unfair to future partners, even future children. It’s never too late to begin therapy or seek support. Whether you're single or already in a relationship, it can only help.

There is Hope

If you feel like you have lost hope, remember that sometimes the things that take the longest can ultimately be the most rewarding.

Some relationships equate to suffering, feeling miserable, used, abused, drained, and wreak havoc on your nervous system, giving you all sorts of medical issues you would not otherwise have with a peaceful life and a healthy relationship. So don’t confuse chaos with passion or trauma bonding with love.

The wrong relationship can be soul-crushing. The right one can be life-giving. Healthy love equates to thriving, flourishing, feeling energized, safe, supported, valued, loved, and uplifted.

Just because you have not yet experienced a quality love bond doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Don’t rush love. Take your time. Heal. And when the right relationship comes… May it be truly peaceful, safe, and fulfilling, not just the illusion of it.

Photo Credit: Pixel - Greta Hoffman