"There Are Just Some Things You Don’t Tell Your Partner."
This essay is also available as a video. Watch the original video essay here.
Let’s be clear: I don’t agree with that mindset, and here’s why.
I’ve heard this from people when they learn how transparent my partner and I are. “You told them that?” “You know you don’t have to share everything, right?” (Spoiler: it’s usually coming from people in unhealthy or guarded relationships.)
But yes, I do put everything on the table, and here’s the truth: there are no surprises. For me, transparency isn’t forced. It’s natural and a direct expression of being fully and unapologetically myself. And I will never let a partner make me feel like I can’t be myself. That would be a disservice to my own peace and authenticity.
I’ve seen too many dynamics built on avoidance, secrecy, and half-truths, all under the guise of “keeping the peace.” You know, the usual excuses: “I don’t want to hear them complain.” “It’ll just start an argument.” “I don’t want to hurt their feelings.” But this kind of withholding often grows into something much more toxic over time. It breeds resentment, distrust, and disconnect.
Let’s be real: we are not responsible for managing other people’s emotions, even in relationships. My responsibility is to be honest, and your responsibility is to choose how you react. I will not lie, sugarcoat, or walk on eggshells just to protect someone from their own emotional response to the truth.
The highest form of love is freedom.
Freedom to be who we are, to speak our truth, and to receive the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable. And if you can’t handle my honesty, then I’d rather not be in a relationship with you.
I don’t have the time, energy, or desire to be anything other than real and honest. Aaah, it's liberating! I never ever have to go to sleep at night feeling bad for lying or having to keep up with lies. Eff that, way too much work. Being myself allows me to live in peace, not in performance. I never have to tiptoe around or fear the “What if they find out…?” scenario. And honestly, lying or hiding parts of yourself isn’t just dishonest, it’s fake. To lie means you live in fear, and I don’t live in fear.
This transparency flows naturally in my relationship because it’s rooted in friendship. That foundation makes communication smoother and more sincere. In past relationships where that deep friendship wasn’t there, things were more complicated, full of assumptions, tension, and unspoken truths.
Hiding parts of yourself to “keep the peace” externally, while you’re silently unsettled inside?
That’s not peace. That’s performance. And it’s exhausting.
The earlier you start building honesty into your dynamic, the more natural and freeing it becomes.
Of course, it’s not always comfortable. Sometimes we say things that make each other uncomfortable, and that’s okay. That’s healthy. We don’t avoid discomfort; we use it as an opportunity to deepen understanding and connection. Avoidance, to me, is a red flag. Honesty, even when it’s awkward, builds trust.
Now, let me be clear: you have to do what works for you. This is simply a dynamic I’m sharing because it has worked beautifully for me, and maybe it can inspire others to try a different approach.
A Note on Abusive Relationships
If you are in an abusive or controlling dynamic, this kind of full honesty might not be safe, and safety always comes first. I know this because my first adult relationship was like this, and I would get punished for my honesty. In these cases, even harmless truths can be twisted and weaponized by an abuser. You might find yourself walking on eggshells just to avoid triggering a volatile response.
Please know that in abusive relationships, self-protection is more important than radical honesty. Do whatever keeps you safe. Being authentic is your right, but sometimes the environment just isn’t safe enough to allow it. That is not your fault.
To Sum It Up
It's about showing up as your true self, consistently, courageously, and compassionately. Not everyone can handle that, and that’s okay. But those who can make space for a connection that’s rooted in trust, not illusion.
Choose what aligns with your peace. For me, that’s truth, always.
What about you? Do you have limitations on transparency or honesty with your partner? Have you experienced both dynamics, one where you were able to be honest and one where you weren’t?
This essay is also available as a video. Watch the original video essay here.